Behind the Mask: the importance of being truly SEEN

Editor’s Note: When a woman is in unbearable pain, the first thing she needs is for someone to see her — not fix her, not solve all her problems — just be with her and listen. This is the second segment in a four-part series of stories and quotes from the NAOMI community, compiled by Community Director Sara Cardwell. Read part 1, “Alone in the Dark.”

She’s sitting across from me looking fully into my face. “How do you feel?” she asks.

I immediately twitch at the question, and my stomach turns. I want someone to tell me what will make these feelings go away, not ask me to look at them more closely.

I want to find a way to make this end.

“What do you need?” she asks.

The second question sends a flush of heat to my face, and my head becomes foggy.

I don’t know how to tell her this; so instead, I ask her how her weekend went.

Silence fills the space between us.

When I finally make eye contact again, she says, “I’m so upset and shocked by what you are sharing. How is it okay for you to be treated that way?”

I’m not sure what to do with her response. People always use me. It’s nothing new to have someone help me, but they definitely expect me to do something for them in return. It’s just the way it is. Even with my family, especially with my family.

I think of the last time I took help from my sister and her expectation that I do what she says, ignoring the way she speaks to me and the favors she requires. Acknowledging this to myself, even briefly, is too hard. I shove the tightness in my throat down before it releases itself through my face.

I suddenly hear myself snap at her to back off.

I’m floored by my reaction, and I want to disappear. But I also hope my anger keeps her from seeing what I am going through. I hope my anger keeps her distracted.

I’m not really mad at her, but I don’t want her to see below the surface. I’m not even sure what’s there; it’s like an enormous iceberg of confusion. Panic rises up in me at the thought of exploring what’s there or having someone else see.

She shifts the conversation away from me at first but then shares what she used to do in order to get others to help her.

“I didn’t know that there was another way,” she says, “or how much grief I felt when everything about my relationships was an exchange of wants covered up by hidden motives.”

I’ve never considered grief before. I can’t handle the thought of admitting that anyone hurt me or letting myself feel sadness and disappointment.

This is why I spend so much time trying not to feel anything and quickly resort to anger or anxiety when life feels too hard and people reject me.

I’m not ready yet to face this about myself.

So instead, I quickly leave and keep frantically grasping. I can’t keep living this way, but neither can I let the monster out.

I am stuck. It is impossible.

What seems impossible at first becomes possible step by step as a woman makes one step and then another and builds resilience. Come back for part 3 of this series next week or follow us on social media for notifications of new blog content.