NAOMI: The Gift of Presence

By Barbara Comito, Development Director

“Being known by another person is as vital to life as being fed, clothed, taken care of, is for a very small baby. It’s life or death.” – Dr. Jacob Ham on The Nurturance of Being Known

I think it’s safe to say none of us really wants to be vulnerable; we don’t want to need other people. But the inescapable fact is we are, we do. Physically - our skin cuts and bleeds; our bones break; our brains can be knocked about; viruses run rampant. Emotionally - words pierce, our senses take us back to unpleasant places, memories emerge at inopportune times. It would be so much easier to be invincible superheroes. At least, it would seem so.

By nature, our great desire is to hide our vulnerability because we fear being hurt. We grasp for control. Like donning construction helmets or armor for battle, we build walls around the pieces of ourselves where we feel most susceptible. And sometimes, that serves us well. Our walls protect our soft underbellies, keep us safe from strangers, protect our delicate insides, but taken too far, what was meant to protect us keeps other people (all of them, not just the bad guys) at a distance, and we end up alone.

We were not meant to be alone. We need other people. Sometimes we really hate that. We hate the vulnerable parts of ourselves. We hate the parts of ourselves that need connection. It means a total loss of control.

Question: Can you identify those parts of yourself where you feel most vulnerable? The parts you least want to share with anyone else? Be curious. Ask yourself why that might be. Have you needed to protect yourself in the past?

The Paradox of Vulnerability

Paradoxically, we long for connection. We long to be fully known and fully loved, and that can only happen through opening up, exposing our secrets, our fears, the things we don’t like about ourselves. In our vulnerability is the opportunity for the healing of our wounds and for beautiful connection and creativity.

So what’s a person to do?

First and foremost, find safe people, safe spaces. Ask yourself: With whom can I begin the practice of no longer hiding my vulnerability?

In that safe space is the potential for healing. 

In the past 30 years, we’ve all learned a lot about Adverse Childhood Experiences and their negative impact on adult physical and mental health. What we haven’t heard as much about is Positive Childhood Experiences – how they build resiliency in the brain – and how this positive interactive work can make an impact on us as adults, as well.

“Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) stem from safe, stable, nurturing relationships and environments, and have the power to prevent or protect children from traumatic events, toxic stress, or Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs).” (American Society for the Positive Care of Children)

It’s never too late to begin the healing process, but we can’t do it by ourselves. We need community, connection, healthy relationships.

Most of us have been using a lot of energy hiding the parts we dislike about ourselves for years. When we find a safe place to become vulnerable, share about ourselves, and discover that other people don’t run away, we can redirect that energy in more productive ways (Dr. Curt Thompson, MD and host of the Being Known Podcast). We take one step and then another in being our true selves, letting down our guard, and our resiliency grows. We develop a skill set for being authentic with ourselves and others.

Healing Trauma through Relationships

Dr. Thompson says that the healing of trauma begins with our willingness to come closer to each other. Trauma dis-integrates a person – separates various parts of the brain and the rest of the body from each other - pulls us apart and creates distance between ourselves and other people. Our healing begins when people move toward us and we don’t run away. Our healing happens when we are known – truly known – and loved.

Being truly known requires removing our masks – not managing our image on social media or otherwise – being our authentic selves. And what people who are being vulnerable with us most need in return is our empathic presence. They don’t need us to have the answers, the solutions. They don’t need us to fix them. They need us to be with them.

We cannot overemphasize the importance of doing this within a safe space. For the women in the NAOMI community, this is always the goal. Staff are continually doing our own deep work of transformation – showing up as our true selves – and welcoming the women and children in our community to show up as their true selves. You cannot give others what you do not have.

Healing through the gift of presence is not a quick process. It takes time. Baby steps are always valued. The listener – by being awake, alert and attuned – provides the opportunity for the person sharing to be seen, soothed, safe and secure.

The listener is a calm, non-anxious presence. She is curious. She validates what she hears. The message is “Your story is welcome in this space.”

Over the next few months, we’ll be looking more closely at all of these topics – trauma, empathic presence, healing in relationships and the work of NAOMI. In the meantime, as we approach Christmas, I was struck by the connection between this gift of healing presence and the way God moves toward us.

The healing of our broken world began when God entered our world as one of us. Jesus made himself vulnerable – first as a baby and ultimately in his death on a cross. He became the definition of an empathic presence. Immanuel.