Healing the Mind
{from trauma} [through relationship]
Bella’s Story*
I grew up in a home without much supervision. I was exposed to drugs and violence. With every chance I could, I sought out older kids who would let me stay over. Anywhere was better than staying at home, even if that meant I had to do other things. At least I had a choice. That's the thing, it never felt like I had a choice. This was the start of my abusive partner cycles. I went from an abusive home environment as a child straight into being abused as a young adult.
Eventually, I started drinking heavily to try and numb the despair and chaos that was consuming me. After several very isolated years of deep despair, I got in trouble and was court ordered to get help for my substance abuse. I spent a long time in recovery programs and in the rooms of AA, but I was still just as desperate and lonely. I was just as confused about what was wrong with me. I changed a little bit and was able to quit drinking, but emotionally, I was still a train wreck. I was afraid to build new relationships, afraid to leave my abusive and addicted partner. I was just scared to do anything really.
*Named and photo changed for privacy reasons.
Trauma damages the mind.
Bella’s story is all too familiar. Drugs. Violence. Neglect. Abuse. Adverse Childhood Experiences. If you grow up with them, they cling to you like static, especially if you also lacked Positive Childhood Experiences. Abundant research shows that childhood trauma alters the way the brain develops.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, psychiatrist, trauma researcher and author of The Body Keeps the Score, wrote this about trauma’s impact on the mind: “We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way the mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”
Let’s look at both the lack of positive experiences and the presence of adverse ones.
Trauma - form A: things we should have received in childhood but did not.
Trauma - form B: things that happened to us that should not have happened to us. (Trauma - complex form B: things that shouldn’t have happened to us happened over a long period of time.)
Attunement/Attachment - what we need
Our brains are not fully developed when we are born. (That doesn’t happen until we’re about 25 years old.) A child’s brain is meant to develop in a relationship with her primary caregiver. Think of an infant’s mind, body and primary relationships all working together. She senses, images, feels, and she does all of those in relationship with her primary caregiver. The neurons throughout her body send messages to the brain, letting her brain know what she is sensing – long before the brain is able to make sense of what is taking place. Maybe there’s a loud noise or hunger pains or a painful prick. When attunement is intact, the baby’s underdeveloped brain is going to work in tandem with the parent’s brain to regulate itself.
On a recent podcast, Dr. Curt Thompson, psychologist and author, described how attunement and attachment are meant to work: “[Children] come into the world and the parents recognize them, and the parents are going to respond to that child's temperament [attunement], and the child is then going to attach. They're going to move toward the parent. They're going to use the parent's posture toward them, the child. They're going to use that as a way for the child's brain and mind to regulate itself, to bring itself to a place of composure, to bring itself to a place where it is no longer in distress.”
“We all are born into the world looking for someone looking for us, and we remain in this mode of searching for the rest of our lives.”
“Seeing the delight of themselves in their parent is the primary grounding experience that gives them [children] a secure base.” It is also, Thompson asserts, a reflection of God’s posture toward them. “We all are born into the world looking for someone looking for us, and we remain in this mode of searching for the rest of our lives.”
When a child or adult has secure attachment, she can know that she will be ok even though she is experiencing painful emotions. If a traumatic experience happens, she has someone with her to help process it.
If the primary caregiver is not attuned to their child and healthy attachment does not occur, the brain does not develop properly. On its own, the infant/toddler/child brain does not know how to organize the information it is receiving and may, in fact, shut off some of those messages. Parts of her get separated from other parts of her and from other people (dis-integration).
Trauma shatters perspective.
Enter Trauma B – bad stuff, distressing stuff, overwhelming stuff happens, and the brain has no safe space in which to process that bad stuff. The neural networks for regulation and integration have not developed. If no caring adult presence helps the child to process what is happening, a wound imprints itself, and destruction/disintegration takes place.
“Trauma shatters the lens through which we see our lives,” Dr. Thompson explains. “It shatters our perceptions. We have a sense of being overwhelmed and powerless.” Life doesn’t make sense. Everything hurts. The person suffering the pain of trauma feels incapable of caring for her own needs and well-being. Again, parts of her are shut off from other parts of her and from other people. She cannot tolerate her own memories and feelings.
All is not lost.
“An attuned presence is the antidote to trauma.” – Dr. Curt Thompson
“Social support is a biological necessity, not an option, and this reality should be the backbone of all prevention and treatment.” Dr. van der Kolk
The good news is that it’s not too late. It’s never too late. Attunement and attachment can happen later in life, and what happens between us (in our 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s) can still impact what is going on within us. In order to flourish, a person must have secure attachment, but if they did not get that attachment in childhood, they can get it in adulthood.
Lots of exciting research in this area has happened in the past 30+ years. In the 1990s, Dr. Daniel Siegel pioneered the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology (INPB), a multidisciplinary approach that examines how our relationships shape our brains and our minds. INPB posits that minds are not confined to individual brains but are shared and regulated between people, suggesting that interactions can influence our mental health and well-being.
Here’s what researchers Dan Siegel and Marion Solomon say in their book, Healing Trauma: “New evidence (2002) indicates that reparative adult experiences enable those with attachment traumas to increase their ability to cope with stress and restore a sense of security. Healing through new relationships occurs frequently and makes a person who has experienced trauma increase the ability to cope with stress and negative affect.”
This is the heartbeat of NAOMI. Relationship. Connection. Community. We believe that the women coming to NAOMI are making a brave step toward healing by demonstrating their willingness to come closer. In response, we are saying, “You are safe here. We want to see you and know you. Your story is welcome in this space.” We aren’t looking to fix anyone. Neither are we condoning destructive behaviors. Our desire is to be with women in their pain, to offer a safe presence, to encourage reflection through teaching on interpersonal and recovery skills, and to facilitate healing and growth in a variety of ways.
“The healing of trauma is not just intended to eliminate our symptoms; it’s intended to draw us into a family of belonging.” - Dr. Curt Thompson
Healing & Growth
Here’s how Bella described the changes in her life:
A friend invited me to be part of NAOMI growth groups and gatherings. I learned to identify my behaviors, see where they came from, and how to be free from them.
It turns out I was seeking abusive relationships because that was familiar to my brain. Once I understood what was happening, I was able to make steps to change. I was scared and failed a lot during this process, but NAOMI was a safe place for me to practice.
With what I learned in the boundaries and enmeshment groups and the consistent support and ability to practice at NAOMI, I have been able to keep myself and my children safe. I am not afraid to say no, I know who I am and what I want. I have women who care about me today and I have freedom of choice, and that's all I ever wanted.
Give to NAOMI and be part of building a grace-filled community where women and children enduring trauma can experience connection, heal and build lives of joy and meaning.
