Beyond Sobriety
Charis’ Story:
“I have spent my entire life in services. I came from the foster care system and my children have also been in the system. I have been in church, in therapy, in AA and recovery groups. Through all this, I have been able to maintain years of sobriety, but I have never been able to stop the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own skin. The feeling of deep despair and helplessness. The feeling of being alone.” – Charis*
*Name changed for privacy reasons.
Sobriety Isn’t Enough
Sobriety, in and of itself, does not lead to a fulfilled life. When a woman gets sober without broader healing, the pain the drinking or drugs were meant to numb is still there, and now, she is feeling the full force of it.
While we will always carry our wounds, healing means to be free from their control. Healing looks like staying tethered to the present as we reflect on how our past has impacted the way we think, the way we interpret our feelings and the choices we have made.
Charis was able to get and stay sober, but life felt unbearable. Her day-to-day existence was defined by shame and hopelessness. She did not believe life could get better. As a child, she had not felt safe, valued, secure, and consequently, at the most basic level, she believed she was unworthy of love and belonging.
The Four Ss
“A friend brought me to a NAOMI gathering. We did a guided painting together. The room was calm and buzzing with laughter. I was uncomfortable in this new situation, but I wanted more of it. I wanted to understand how so many women were in one place getting along. They seemed to be genuinely comfortable with themselves and with each other.”
“We are all very resilient when we have access to sufficient care and support.”
Coming to NAOMI – taking a step toward healing – can be scary at first. The staff team works hard to create a welcoming environment – removing any barriers that might keep a woman from feeling safe.
SAFETY is the first of the four Ss implemented at NAOMI as a means of creating connection.
A safe space communicates
You are safe here.
You can be vulnerable without fear of judgment, ridicule or rejection.
When I am wrong, I will apologize.
We can develop mutual trust.
“I am here for you.”
SEEN, the second S, says
I want to know you.
I am curious about your life.
I am listening attentively.
Your experiences and feelings are valid.
This is what I hear you saying…
“I know this is tough.”
“What was it like when…?”
SOOTHED lets a woman know
You are not alone.
I am with you and will remain calm. (This is demonstrated through body language – relaxed shoulders, eye contact, nodding head – as well as words.)
Breathing exercises may be taught.
Co-regulation is the goal.
SECURE is a physical and emotional state derived from being safe, seen and soothed.
The first 3 Ss lead to a sense that one is worthy of love and belonging.
Because a woman is safe, seen and soothed, she can begin to keep herself safe.
She begins to believe that she is not alone. She experiences another person who says, “I know this is scary, but I’m going to be right beside you, and we’re going to try this together.”
The goal isn’t to get to a place where a woman no longer needs the 4 Ss but to find a community of people who are practicing these with each other on a regular basis.
“Everyone should find a community of like-minded warriors to help you engage your story.” - Adam Young
Despite her initial discomfort, Charis continued to press in. “Over the next year, I continued going to every group, every gathering NAOMI offered. I started one-on-ones with a support specialist.
“During a one-on-one session, after I finished sharing something I was really ashamed of, I braced myself and waited for [my specialist] to scold me and tell me what I should have done. She didn’t do that; she simply looked at me with soft eyes, full of grace, and she said, ‘What was going on inside of you when you did this?’
“From that moment, I understood fully what the NAOMI community is and how all these women are able to genuinely be themselves. No one here was trying to change me. They just wanted to know me for the sake of knowing me, and that changed everything for me.”
Counselor Adam Young said on his podcast, “The Place We Find Ourselves,” that everyone should “find a small community of like-minded warriors to help you engage your story.”
Charis found her community of warriors at NAOMI.
