Secure vs. Insecure Attachment

“Growing up we never talked about hard things. If something bad happened in the family, everyone just pretended like it didn't happen. If my parents argued, my mom would get really upset and pack up and leave the house. I wouldn't know if she was gone for good or when she was coming back.” – Emma*

Insecure Attachment

Attachment Theory was developed in the 1950s by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. The basic idea is that children are shaped very early in life by the relationship between them and their primary caregiver. “Secure” and “insecure” are the two most basic types of attachment identified by Bowlby and Ainsworth. Secure attachment refers to a relationship between parent and child where the child’s physical and emotional needs are consistently met. While insecure attachment is broken down into further categories – anxious, avoidant and disorganized – for our purposes, we will focus on the basics, the difference between secure and insecure attachment. Insecure attachment is a relational pattern where the child feels uncertain about whether their primary caregiver sees them, cares for them and will consistently be there for them.

*Name changed for privacy reasons.

In Emma’s story, her uncertainty about whether her mom would ever come back led to insecure attachment. Would her mom be there for her? Could she count on her? Or was there something she could do to lose the connection with her mom? If she made a mistake or failed, would that be the end of the relationship? Would her mom leave for good? Her insecure attachment with her mom made it difficult to have healthy relationships later in life.

“I started the same patterns in my own life,” Emma explained. “I would seek out and start building close relationships and then if the person pointed out something simple like, not cleaning up after myself or voiced a different opinion than mine. I would get so angry, like explosively angry. I would yell and throw things and storm off for hours or days at a time. I had no idea what was going on with me or how to change it. I knew deep down I was just like my mom and that I'd probably always be that way.”

Originally, researchers believed this early attachment model was lifelong and permanent, but more recent research has shown the mind’s ability to heal through later connections in life. While attachment styles are more malleable in childhood and adolescence, change and growth are still possible in adulthood. “Foundations are not fate.” (Science Direct) Early experiences do not invariably determine adult outcomes. Other factors come into play.

Made to Be Known

“We are born,” says Psychologist Dr. Curt Thompson, “looking for the face that is looking for us.” We are made to be known, to be seen.

While, of course, we desire secure attachment for every child who enters the world, the work of Dr. Dan Siegel in the 1990s gave us the hope of neuroplasticity and the brain’s ability to heal, for new attachment styles to be developed.

Adam Young Counseling describes that hope like this: “To be human is to be wounded. However, wounds heal naturally when the environment is right… and the right environment for healing is the empathic presence of another person. God made our brains and nervous systems to need one another.”

Connection heals.

Safe community and connection are the primary reasons NAOMI exists. We believe that women who did not receive what they needed in childhood and oftentimes went through serious trauma later in life as a result, still have the potential to heal, to rebuild their lives, but they cannot do it alone.

Emma describes her healing in her own words: “The women at NAOMI sat with me as I looked at this painful truth about myself.  I learned how to be emotionally honest by watching and listening to other women talk truthfully about their behaviors. When I listened to their stories, the shame of mine started to go away. As the shame started to lift, I was able to start unraveling  the wounded parts inside of me that fueled why I was acting so explosively. With the support of NAOMI and my therapist, I am now able to regulate my emotions. I do not run or shut down when things are hard.  My relationships are healing and my children can count on me to be there for them.

“Now that this pattern of me running and exploding when hard things have happened is gone, I have been so successful in my life – not just on an emotional level, but on a professional level too. I have been at my current job for four years and continue to make my way up the ladder. Before NAOMI, I never could hold a job over a year; I always found a reason to leave. 

“I am so grateful the women at NAOMI stayed with me while I was learning, to give me a shot at real life. A life where I am not controlled by my behaviors and impulses.”