“Flipped Lid”: Trauma and Dysregulation
Understanding the Connection between Trauma and Emotional Dysregulation
*Name changed for privacy reasons.
“My life took a turn for the worse after a traumatic experience in high school that I never told anyone about.
“When I reached early adulthood, I experienced crippling anxiety that I soothed with alcohol and pills. I became addicted while I was staying at home with my two young children.
“One night after drinking heavily, I woke up and did not remember putting my children to bed. I stood up, sick, and started frantically looking for them. I was so sick, wandering around the house, puking in a bowl as I was looking for my babies. It was at this moment that I decided to seek help. I entered therapy, and my therapist encouraged me to try AA.” — Ruthie*
Ruthie tried to ignore her trauma, but it did not go away.
Trauma wreaks havoc on the central nervous system, and unresolved trauma keeps on wreaking havoc until it is addressed.
Dysregulation
Being dysregulated means your emotions or reactions feel out of control. You might get overwhelmed, shut down, lash out, or have trouble thinking clearly or making decisions.
While you may want to escape the thoughts and feelings in your head, your brain and body may have learned to stay on “high alert” to protect you from anything similar happening again. This can feel like a car alarm continually going off in the brain. So years later, something small—like someone raising his voice or walking up behind you—can feel threatening, even when it isn’t meant to be.
Dependency
If you were unable to protect yourself from the first traumatic experience, your body may have gone into shutdown or freeze which can lead to a state known as learned helplessness.
Learned helplessness is when someone feels powerless to change their situation, even when change is possible, because past experiences have taught them that their efforts don’t make a difference.
Imagine a dog in a cage that gets a mild shock and can't escape no matter what it does. After a while, it stops trying. Later, even if the door is left open and it could escape, it just lies there and whimpers—because it has learned that nothing it does matters. (Before animal rights were as clear as they are now, this experiment was actually conducted, and the dogs acted as described here.)
People can be the same way—after enough setbacks or pain, they may stop trying to help themselves, even when help is available.
When you believe you are helpless, you may turn to someone or something else to “save” you. Unfortunately, this can lead to a pattern of dependency. The less confidence a person has in herself, the more dependent she becomes. The more dependent she becomes, the less confidence she has, reinforcing her sense of helplessness and making her susceptible to abuse and control from others.
Part of the work done at NAOMI is helping restore a woman’s confidence in herself.
Ruthie got a sponsor and worked the steps. “I learned how to stop drinking but I hated everything about who I was. At times, I considered suicide.”
Sobriety alone does not equal wellness. Ruthie needed healing from the inside out.
“It was around this time I met a woman in an AA meeting. I watched her move through the room talking to people. She had this calm light about her. It looked as if she had the secret recipe on how to do life, and I was interested to know how she got to this place.
“I talked to her after the meeting, and she invited me to coffee. This is where I learned about NAOMI. In the following months, I started showing up to NAOMI growth groups online and continued meeting with the NAOMI support specialist I’d met in the meeting. As I continued to feel safe and engage in healthy relationships at NAOMI, my powerlessness and despair started to dissipate.”
Regulated
Regulation is something we can learn—but only in safe, supportive relationships. That’s exactly what NAOMI is offering: not just services but healing through connection.
By building consistent, safe, trusting relationships, NAOMI helped Ruthie begin to feel safe in her body again.
Over time, with care and connection, she learned to
Recognize what was happening inside her (awareness),
Calm herself in stressful moments (regulation),
And begin to respond to life in new, healthier ways instead of reacting from a place of survival (resilience).
Being regulated means your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are under control, even when something stressful happens. You can manage how you feel and respond in a way that’s calm, appropriate, and safe. For example, you’re frustrated because someone cut in line, but you take a deep breath and let it go instead of yelling. Your child writes in marker on the walls. Rather than scream or lash out, you take appropriate action, recognizing that walls can be painted.
In short, regulated means calm and in control, thinking before acting.
Dysregulated means overwhelmed and reactive, acting before thinking.
“These women truly cared about me and I felt valued. For the first time in my life I was able to make good decisions for myself and my children. For the first time in a long time, I was hopeful. I genuinely believe that I would be dead if it wasn't for the women at NAOMI showing me how to live a different way.” — Ruthie
Reflective Questions:
When was the last time you were dysregulated? How did the sensation show up in your body?
Who is your go-to person when you feel overwhelmed? What would you do if that person weren’t around?
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